I shed a tear again today after…(let me see) four months tear-free right after my arrival from the long vacation. Because I vowed to have the positive driven life and well, the only reason that always makes me cry for the whole blue December just suddenly diminished hehe
Kenapa yah gw? Yah memang riset membuat gw tertekan. Tapi semua orang juga begituh.Tapi gw yakin ga semua orang dapet storming out roomie yang membuat gw kehilangan satu2nya hiburan gw saat ini. Hehe….Hallow…I have to listen to every husband-wife conversation gt lho. Why don’t you just tell me if I disturb you instead of doing stg that hurts that much.
Mungkin ituh masalah gw yah. Gw hyper duper sensitive. Senangnya kalo gw bisa melakukan marah. Tapi yang ada gw akan diem, hurt, and that’s what eating me alive inside. Pun ketika minggu sore hectic kemaren gw ditinggalin sendirian ajah gt dung di rumah. haha. Gw dah yakin sih akan jadi seperti ini. Maksudnya akan ada saat di mana para camera-owner ituh akan bosen motoin subjek orang dan akan pergi berkelompok hunting. Gw tau selama gw tidak berkamera (yang akan terjadi untuk waktu yang cukup lama karna gw lagi nabung banged) akan ada saat di mana gw akan ditinggal. Gw mafhum, paham, mengerti, sadar, menerima, dan sebenernya bae2 sajah. Tapi kenapa yah tetep kek gini. Gw tiba2 merasa sendiri hihihi.
Then again, kenapa gw harus bingung dengan sendiri. Cuman masalah makan, cuman masalah pegi2, cuman masalah jalan2 pas weekend. Toh nanti pas gw mati juga gw sendiri. Pas gw menghadap Sang Pencipta jg gw akan sendiri. Kudunya it’s not a big deal at all untuk menjadi sendiri. Adakah sesuatu regulatory system dalam diri manusia yang akan dying saat dia sendiri? saat tidak ada orang yang dia rasakan keberadaannya secara fisik? Karna dalem hati gw, gw tau ada banyak banged orang yang peduli ama gw hehe. Setelah beberapa saat terpisah pun gw tetep merindukan mereka.
Seorang temen berkata mungkin inilah saatnya gw harus bisa hidup sendiri. Tanpa temen curhat, tanpa temen jalan, tanpa temen makan, tanpa temen senang2…Suatu fase dalam hidup di mana gw memang harus bisa sendiri. So here I am struggling to survive alone. Walaupun insting sebagai makhluk social gw membuat gw akan sangad longing untuk bersosialisasi yang pada awalnya menyebabkan gw menggeser jam makan lebih awal. Karna buat gw makan siang adalah ajang bersosialisasi yang secara egois adalah ajang gw mencharge kebutuhan gw akan keberadaan orang laen. Pun juga jalan2. Gw orang jawa yang berprinsip makan ga makan ngumpul 
Jalan2 yang cuman berisi perjalanan menuju barat tanpa menghasilkan apah2, ke JB yang ga ada apah2, ato ke tempat nan jelek tanpa ada objek menarik sudah sangat berarti buat gw. Karna yang penting buat gw adalah bukan pada tempatnya, tapi dengan siapa gw bersama. But then, menurut nasehat temen, gw harus bisa biasa ajah. Hihihi. Saat gw sendiri dan sendirian, gw harus bersikap sama dengan saat gw tidak sendirian. Dan well ituh akan bisa gw lakukan saat standar hidup gw adalah sendiri. Sendiri akan menjadi baseline dan tidak sendiri adalah suatu kemewahan yang akan sesekali gw kecap. Tapi baselinenya tetep sendiri, agar gw akan tetap bisa biasa ajah walau gw ditinggal sendiri. Gw akan tetap biasa ajah kalo ada orang lucu yang tiba2 minggat tidur ke sofa. Gw akan tetap biasa ajah…Yosh!
Aq yakin bisaaaa…Aq bisaaa tanpamu…eh sendiriii….Lirik yang tanpamu dah ke laut :p
April 15, 2009
Somebody told me that you only wrote when you were sad. Well, that’s not particularly true. I keep writing, keep having my diary, together with keeping my daily income-expense report. It’s just that I don’t publish it considering:
1. I really loathe to be the object of a conversation. And to know that somebody link one of my writing and have a talk about it while I don’t even know that somebody even ever read my blog, I hate that. Xixi. Can you imagine that you had a very tough time and the persons who gave you that tough time talked about you and might be laughing at you? Horrible rite?
2. I ever take a glimpse of people (muzakkars) talking something like “sekarang mah ga perlu proposal2an, cukup liat fb ama blognya”. Well. I am not a good writer not that I’m a good speaker. And I know that I’ve never posted any qualified materials in my blog. Well, I don’t like writing a long article nor serious article. If I really did that, I’ve sent it to editor to be published and become a paper. Hehe. No really. I dislike the system where XY is offered a lot of set of XXs then it decides which qualified XX will be suitable for it. That relly sounds as if you are engineering a norganism. And to know that from the blog and fb, it considers it as commercial media…well hallo…
I do admire some of it. I did have a crush on one of it. I know my capacity and I admit it are way out of my league. “mereka tampak indah di mata rani, tapi keadaan rani yang sekarang tidak memungkinkan” -> a quote of one of my fav novels. But to consider that the sets of XX displayed through FB and blog, what’s the difference between that and those who are physically displayed in the you-know-what place?
3. I am very busy. Haha. I think this is the most appropriate reason from all three. I just had my cQE and it was very tiring and torturing. It’s kinda drama that I do hope a happy ending one. My daily activities are reading papers, writing programs, compiling database, doing my research, and reading papers and papers and papers. After the day, I become so tired that my brain shut my body as soon as I lay on bed.
Well, PhD life. whadda u expect? it becomes like an endless circle of work and tiresome and short break and work again haha I do admire those people who can still build a family while taking PhD. Must be a tough one. Four thumbs up for you.
February 27, 2009
In the last past months, I am struggling with how to deal with losing.One of my best frens is getting married to someone who is was a total stranger to me. Yes, we took the same university; he was even my classmate during my first year of the university. However, I still feel I don’t know him or to be exact, not the type of guys I can hang out with pretty well. And my best fren, is a very sweetheart and I think of her as one of the girls I love most in the world. And yes, I spent days, months; try to deal with a feeling of losing. Somehow, I feel that I will lose her. Somehow, I feel that he will take her away from me. Yups, that’s a very exaggerating feeling but I couldn’t help it.
Now, they’ll get married in less than one month and deep down, I know they are one of those perfect couples that once you know them, you know they are meant to be each other. I am so happy that she can find a very great imam indeed that will accompany her in her journey to reach Jannah. And I can deal with my feeling too since I got bigger issue of losing in just few months ago, hehe. Alhamdulillah, in the end, I can smile very happily for them, pray sincerely for them and wishing them a blessed life in this world and the life after.
Barakallahu Laka Wa Baraka `Alaika Wa jama’a bainakuma fii khair.
To my very very best fren Dika Amelia Ifani which will hold the holy matrimony with Trian Hendro Asmoro on February 1st 2008 in Bandung. They are both bloggers and plan to share their inspirational stories here. I bet you can find a lot of nice writing there.
As for me,,,I am planning my journey home though I’ll only be home for 3 days. I have to take a very late flight since I don’t want to skip my class again. It’s gonna be very tiring and costly but she worth it. Cause I love her so much ukhtii. (lebay :D)
あなたの結婚式のお祝い
January 12, 2009
Ada segudang cerita yang ingin dibagi
Ada segumpal lara yang tersimpan di dada
Tapi semua itu saat ini tak berarti
Karna saat ini, hanya ada satu kenyataan hari ini yang sangat ingin kuubah…
Hanya ada satu pinta yang saat ini terucap
Memutus rangkaian doa egois selama ini
Temans, at the very least, jangan lupa kirim doa yah……Dan semoga kita dimaafkan karna kita hanya bisa berdoa…..
January 3, 2009
I heard a very shocking stories tonite. Well, it’s not that shocking but still when it involves some ones I know, it’s shocking. I choose not to believe, I choose to stay in this naïve world I build that everybody I know (and I love) would just never be that kind of guys.
However, if by any slight chance, it’s true, dearests, I hope you will never ever fall for it. I hope God protection and blessing upon your every step forever in your life. Though I know that all of it is your call, and I know to love somebody is not always to keep him save from danger. Sometimes, you just have to let him fall to be more stronger and know how to pull out himself together.
I just can’t have this mind that you will fall for it. Cause it will just never ever be satisfied. The more you have it, the more you want it again and again. Dearest, please take care. Please have your mind set up before you choose to fall for it. Dearests, please…just consider it thoroughly before you ever decide…Please…
December 21, 2008
Double post yang pertama….
Memang sejak lama saya berniat migrasi dari blog frenster ini karena guyuran spam yang makin menggila. Di manakah rumah baruku? lagi dipermak dan dibangun, masih belum layak huni.
Ami, dahulu kau pernah bertanya padaku, “mengapa orang bercerai?” Aq tahu duka itu masih membayang di matamu. Duka yang sama yang juga membayang-bayangi hidupku. Tetapi dulu kita masih muda, kita masih naif, masih bermimpi tentang cita dan cinta.
Ami, saat ini aq mengerti walaupun tidak bisa menerima. Aq tau mengapa orang yang dulu saling mencintai bisa saling menyakiti. Karena bahagia selamanya itu hanya ada dalam dongeng-dongeng kanak-kanak yang sering kita baca dulu. Karena waktu bisa mengubah segalanya. Karena tidak ada yang bisa menjamin (diri sendiri sekalipun) bahwa cinta itu akan selalu ada. Karena hati atau kalbu, sesuai kata aslinya qulb sangat mudah berbolak balik. Karena waktu adalah makhluk tidak bernyawa yang berkuasa mengubah segalanya.
Ami, hatiku tersenyum untukmu bahwa kau telah menemukan seorang pria yang sangat luar biasa. Doaku terpanjat untukmu agar kau dan dia selalu bisa menjaga cinta kalian di jalan yang benar dengan cara yang benar.
Ami, segala yang terjadi di masa lalu biarlah menjadi bagian masa lalu. Bahwa kita mungkin menerima lotere cobaan berat, bukankah kita sudah sepakat, yang kita punya hanya doa dan harapan agar kita dan keluarga kita selalu dijaga, dijauhkan dari marabahaya, dan hidup bahagia. Sisanya adalah kehendak-Nya dan kita harus bisa selalu bersabar dan bersyukur.
Ami, bahagia itu memang harus datang dari dalam diri. Bukan karena kita dicintai, bukan karena kita mencintai. Jenak waktu ini membuka mata dan hatiku betapa banyaknya orang di dunia ini yang ingin membagi bahagianya untukku. Salah seorang temanku mengirimi aq puisi ini ami,
AFTER A WHILE
-Veronica A. Shoffstall-
After a while
you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn
that love doesn’t mean learning
and company doesn’t mean security
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren’t contracts
and presents aren’t promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of a woman
not the grief of a child
And you learn to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plan
and futures have a way of falling down mid-flight
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
And you learn that you really can endure
You really are strong
You really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn
Dan aq sangat bersyukur karenanya.
Ami, genap satu setengah bulan lagi kau akan melepas masa lajangmu. Maafkan aq yang tidak bisa di sampingmu saat kau menyiapkan salah satu peristiwa terpenting dalam hidupmu. Maaf karena saat ini yang kupunya hanya doa untukmu.
Ami, aq belajar banyak hal dalam rentang waktu dua puluh tiga tahun ini. Bahwa menjadi dewasa bukanlah berarti kita harus selalu membuat keputusan yang benar. Menjadi dewasa berarti kita harus menghadapi semua konsekuensi dari pilihan kita. (credit to Ugly Betty)
Ami, di tengah-tengah kesibukanmu, bolehkah aq memintamu untuk menyisipkan suatu doa. Untukku, agar aq bisa selalu bersyukur menerima semua karuniaNya dan bersabar atas semua cobaanNya.
Ami, I know I will be okay…though there are still some promises broken, though there’s still a heart broken…(credit to my friend Swasti)
Cause this pain is inevitable, but still bearable…but I am not welcoming moaning, agonizing, wallowing whatsoever….I just need a moment…to heal and recover completely…
Ami, tunggulah aq, aq akan datang, pada hari pernikahanmu, dengan senyum mengembang di bibirku, dengan syukur di hatiku, dengan kepasrahan di dadaku….
Je t’aime…Ami…
December 16, 2008
Si Merah(SM): Tok…tok…permisi
Ipeh(I): Iyah…(membuka pintu); ada ap…lha kamu lagi, mau ngapain kamu ke sini?
SM: Saya mau datang lagi berkunjung
I: Heh…kan baru kemarenkamu datang
SM: Iyah maaf, bukannya saya kurang ajar, bukannya saya ga tau diri, tapi beneran saya harus datang
I: Huh…kenapa ga tiap minggu ajah sekalian?
SM: Maaf, iyah lagi masa dipertimbangkan
I: lhe? dipertimbangkan? buset
SM: Maaf, kalo keadaan kayak gini diteruskan, mungkin akan kembali ke masa dulu lagi
I: beu…saat di mana gw kudu ke dokter di mana gw the only cewe dengan perut datar (berasa datar ajah perut)
SM: Maaf, tapi itu benar
I: Hayyah…
Maaf, masalah cewe banged. Pusing ajah nih. Mulai sebal ketika masalah emosi bisa mempengaruhi fisik sedemikian rupa. Dan masalah sensitif lagi, haduh, kudu cepat2 nikah, nanti keabisan sel telur yang dah terbuang sia2 hehehe…
Need Help. Gimana sih cara menyeimbangkan hormon agar badan tuh least affected segimana jungkir baliknya keadaan emosi?
December 6, 2008
(Created on 15 June 2008, jadi ul, bukan karna perbincangan kita akhir2 ini :))
Mungkin dulu saya sering seperti ini…marah2 pada orang karena sesuatu hal yang orang itu sendiri ngga tau…Ketika dulu saya berpikir, marah itu langsung diekspresikan…biar diri sendiri ga stress, apakah hak saya untuk memarahi orang lain atas kesalahan yang saya sendiri tidak tahu apa…
Mungkin KARMA itu memang ada…Iyakah?
Mungkin dulu saya sering seperti ini…membekukan hati dan berlagak tuli ketika mendengar kata maaf…Ketika dulu saya berpikir, sakit hati tidak bisa disembuhkan dengan satu kata maaf, apakah hak saya untuk membuat orang lain mau menerima kata maaf dari saya?
Mungkin KARMA itu memang ada…Iyakah?
Adakah KARMA itu???
Atau memang selalu ada pembalasan atas semuanya?
Atas setiap dosa…
Atas setiap kata…
Atas setiap airmata…
December 1, 2008
My best fren’s husband posted this comment, I found the song, it’s “So small” by Carrie Underwood. Quite a nice song indeed. But I have to change the lyrics to become:
Cause sometimes that mountain you’ve been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you’ve been out there searching for forever
Was in your hand
Thanks anyway bro…This one goes to my favourite songs (a.k.a songs that I keep playing for hours) of the month together with: 
- Jordin Sparks-No Air
- Daughtry-Home
- Beyonce-If I were a Boy
- Jason Mraz-Lucky
- Daughtry-Over You
- Jason Mraz-I’m Yours
- Kla Project-Semoga
- Nickelback-Gotta be Somebody
- Kla Project-Meski T’lah Jauh
The last song was re-found recently, thanks to my new fren who sent me the lyrics (how to say it in a sarcastic way in english?)
Meski T’lah Jauh
Kadang angan
Terbang jauh ke awan
Rasa rindu, kian menawan
Dingin dan kelam
Remukanku di dalam
Kadang murung
Meluap tak terbendung
Rasa sesal s’makin mengurung
Sejak kau pergi
Berlari dan menangis
Meski t’lah jauh ke mana
Kau coba ‘tuk sembunyi
Satu saat nanti akan kembali … jua
Oleh cinta
Telah lama kabar menghampa
Namun kisah kita, takkan mudah terlupa…
Uhhh…dalem…I don’t dare to translate it to English. But it’s a very2 nice lyrics and deep in meaning (for certain people), typical of KLA songs. I really love KLA very much. A fren ever gave me some (pirated) CDs of KLA songs (what to say we were poor at that time 
), and they are some of my must-pack things. I always bring them though I’ve already copied the songs to my harddisk but I think it’s time to discard them. Piracy law is highly enforced nowadays.
November 30, 2008
Why is it called two-livin-in-hell weeks? Well, I got two term projects deadline, one assignment deadline, and the research things deadline that force me to stay in the front of computer for more than 12 hrs each day for the whole two weeks. And exam was due in less than three weeks. Those were totally my hectic days, and thanks God, I was still given one week of break before another exhausted and hard-to-cope-with week (in which my progress in research was a big zero…sigh 
) 
Alhamdulillah, I passed those two weeks Thanks God. Well, it didn’t go as smooth as I thought. On the end of the first week, I felt pain at the right waist area which I suspected as kidney infection (I didn’t go to the doctor, but got that in junior high so I thought it was the same). The pain was quite disturbing, I had to stop the four hours sleep per nite, drank lot of water, and made my self look silly by holding my right waist while walking. The most painful moment was when I had to ruku in the prayer. God, it was so painful that I really wanted to cry . Fortunately the pain was vanished in several days after so I didn’t have to go to the doctor which could be very expensive and didn’t have to poison myself with medicine. I was all firm and sound on Friday for my term project presentation and the big crocs sale in the weekend. Hehe..so happy…
Since I didn’t want me or anybody else to feel the same pain as I did, please don’t forget to drink water at least 6 glasses (1200 mL) per day. It’s equivalent to two bottles of 600 mL mineral water. However, people who work under high temperature, or do intensive physical work and sport, should increase the quantity properly. (Yes, that’s including you ami, the borneo’s sun is strikingly hot, rite?) 
Tips for healthy habit of drinking water:
- Drink limited quantities (each time about 200 mL) of water several time every day
- Drink a glass of water as soon as we get up in the morning and when we are about to go to bed
- Avoid the habit of drinking water only when thirsty
One said that you can live without eating for several days but you can’t survive even a day without drinking water. Wish you all the best health in your life everyone, and don’t forget to drink water.
November 30, 2008
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